MRI update

{Congrats to Robin S., the winner of the Starbucks gift card from my previous post!}

“It’ll be ok. It’s probably not that big of a deal. It’s not even for sure. Every day people hear much worse news than this. Besides, what doesn’t kill you makes you stronger, Chrissy.” That’s what I keep telling myself as I replay the conversation with my neurosurgeon from a week ago.

And for the most part, the lines I feed myself calm me enough to overcome the emotions that are fighting to break loose and cause me to cry like a little girl.

“We’re not sure if this is new, or we just hadn’t seen it before,” he explained as he showed me the MRI of my optic nerve. It is distorted. Not perfect, like the opposing optic nerve. One of the many miracles from my surgery was that the optic nerve was not entwined with the tumor. Consequently, an MRI was never done of that specific region. That is, until a few weeks back, when I went into the tube for an hour and a half instead of the usual 45 minutes. For reasons unbeknownst to me, my neurosurgeon ordered an MRI of the brain and the optic nerve.

And viola, there was something new. Or, as he explained, maybe it wasn’t new and they just hadn’t know it was there.

"Perfect. Now we have two areas to track," I thought. No big deal. It’s nothing two Valium can’t handle for the extended stay in the claustrophobic noise machine.

All joking aside, the doctor seemed concerned. We bumped it up to two MRIs and a CAT scan six months out. We’re going to watch closely to be sure there is no change on the optic nerve, since part of it is gone, or distorted, or something…we just don’t have enough information to be sure at this point.

The largest concern with the optic nerve having something going on is that there cannot be any pressure put on this area by tumor (he didn’t explain why, he just kept saying it). And then he explained that if the tumor grew in the optic nerve, the surgery required would be really bad, the kind of surgery he doesn’t want to do on anyone.

And then he said the word…radiation. It’s not for sure, but he thinks with the new findings, we should begin thinking about radiation. Now that we have a baseline of the optic nerve, in six months tests will be repeated, and off I will go to see a specialist to discuss radiation. He explained that it’s probably a safer avenue to travel and that we need to be doing all we can to avoid surgery in this area. To avoid surgery, the tumor must not grow. In six months, another assessment will be made, but he advised me that at this point, the risks of radiation would be acceptable to avoid surgery.

And so for a week I have been mulling this over in my brain. Emotions are like a bouncy ball. I’m fine, I’m sad, I’m fine, I’m mad, I’m fine, I’m devastated…you get the picture. I know, it’s supposedly not that big of a deal—it’s not cancer. I will make it through it. And it’s not even for sure.

It’s like this. When I went in for surgery the first time, our pastor visited and shared a phrase I have not forgotten. He said, “Any surgery on yourself is major surgery.” Isn’t that the truth? I mean, tonsillectomy, wisdom teeth being removed, appendectomy, C-section…no matter how major or minor, when you’re the patient, they’re all major.

And so a little, a lot, whatever amount it may be…I only have one brain, and radiation is going to be major. I will make it. I will be fine. I was just hoping to be undergoing LESS tests at the two year mark, not more.

Will you please pray with me that there will be absolutely no change in the optic nerve, or the region where the major tumor was? I know my God is a God that answers prayers. I know He hears His people cry out for miracles.

Phil 4:4-7 “Rejoice in the Lord always. Again I will say, rejoice! Let your gentleness to known to all men. The Lord is at hand. Be anxious for nothing but in everything, by prayer and supplication, with thanksgiving, let your requests be known to God; and the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and minds through Christ Jesus.”

Flexibility

“I am a man of fixed and unbending principles,

the first of which is to be flexible at all times.” – Everett Dirksen

I distinctly remember sitting in our newly built home as a newlywed, with dinner on the stove growing colder by the second, and Rex still wasn’t on his way home from work. I remember the irritation, the hurt and the frustration I felt. I was flexible enough to try to keep his food warm for a while but when it reached the point that I was risking burning it, my flexibility maxed out. I also remember voicing my frustrations to a mentor in my life. Thankfully, I was blessed with a wise mentor. She spoke firmly, “Chrissy, you have to be flexible in your expectations of Rex and your marriage. He’s out earning a living for you. You just need to be there when he’s available. You can be happy for the time you do have together, or you can make it terrible when he’s home and not enjoy one another. It’s your choice.” Following her advice, I learned to become flexible.

Rex and I formulated a new game plan for dinner: Rex calls when he’s on his way home, whether it’s 5:00, 6:00 or 8:00, and I finish dinner off so it’s ready when he walks in the door. We are now five months shy of our 10 year anniversary and I can tell you, dinnertime is not a source of stress in our marriage. I’ve learned to go with the flow. We’ve found methods that work for us to have peaceful dinners, whether it’s early or late. The key was being flexible.

I’m not suggesting that flexibility is easy. In fact, it’s quite the opposite. Flexibility forces you to let go of expectations, of pride and of plans that were made. “Being flexible and versatile is an advantage if you have the desire to succeed at anything you do. You will experience day to day difficulties, delays and frustrations in your demanding work and life and when dealing with people. There are times when you have to deal with situations that do not fit in or interrupt your schedule.” from About Personal Growth.com

Day-to-day annoyances and set-backs are inevitable but we choose whether to roll with them or fight them.

Here are some ways that I was flexible recently:

I planned to run in a threesome on Sunday. Something came up with my other two partners. No big deal, I’ll hit the road by myself. And I’ll get to wear earphones in both ears instead of one on this run!

I was sending urgent emails yesterday and, for no apparent reason, they stopped sending! I later discovered that an over-height semi truck had taken out the power lines several miles away, and all communication was down in the area. This one was totally out of my control! Rather than have a fit about it, I saved the e-mails to a file, brought them home and sent them from a different computer.

I assisted in hanging murals at our church in the nursery that were 10’ x 30’ in size. It was a lot of work but they turned out beautifully and we were done by the end of the day. The next morning, I received a call. The murals had fallen off the wall! “Seriously?” I thought. “Like, a few inches??” I asked, hopeful. “Let me send you a picture,” my contact said. OH MY! They had almost completely fallen. I called the artist that I assisted. He had never seen anything like this and he has been doing it for over 20 years. Plans change: the murals had to be re-hung that day—we just used a different adhesive the second time. I was thankful for the patience of the church, and that I had help. Although I did not plan on this glitch, it was manageable. I was just grateful that something could be done to rectify the situation.

I ordered photo thank-you cards from Walgreens for my kids’ birthday party. I received a confirmation that said they would be ready in one hour. Four hours later, I went to pick them up and the order hadn’t been sent to the store. “There must have been a glitch somewhere,” the manager explained. So, I returned home, e-mailed support services and they re-sent the order. The next day I went in to the store once again to pick up the order and they still did not have it! Ugh! As frustrated as I was, it wasn’t the end of the world. Yes, it would be a few more days before our guests received their thank-you cards. In the grand scheme of life, however, it was no big deal. I was the only one who would even know the difference. I decided to be flexible and not become stressed out over the hold up.

Two weeks ago I had an MRI. The technician shared with me that she ordered the results to be “stat.” I wasn’t sure if that was good or bad. I waited by the phone. And I called them, twice. No results. Unfortunately, I was supposed to go to San Francisco the day after the MRI for the Nike Women’s Marathon. When I didn’t hear from the neurosurgeon’s office, I decided to cancel our trip. I reasoned that I could always run the next year. I had to become more flexible in my desires. In the end, it all worked out. My running partner’s husband ran with my bib, and gave ME the Tiffany & Co. finisher’s necklace!

The point to all these stories is that, whether our speed bump is large or small, we need to be flexible enough to roll with it and not allow a speed bump to become a parking spot. For me personally, flexibility is part of my faith.

In Proverbs 3, the Bible says, “Trust in the Lord with all your heart and lean not on your own understanding. In all your ways acknowledge Him and He will direct your path.”

That’s my key. Him. When He is directing my path, it’s easier to pray instead of stress.

Wondering what happened when my doctor’s office did finally call back? They said they could detect a change, but not one significant enough to bring me in before my scheduled appointment two weeks later. And so I’ve been waiting for going on two weeks now, and struggling with not knowing. That’s a hard place to be for a strong Type-A personality like myself. I’ve had to give it to God. I’ve had to let the worry part of me go, and be flexible enough emotionally to put my faith in God, and not in myself. After all, He’s got the whole world in His hands.

I’m praying that God would bring good results from my MRI when I meet with my doctor tomorrow. And I hope you’re still praying that for me as well.

GIVEAWAY! What is one way you have been/ can be flexible this week? Comment on this post and you’ll be entered for a $25.00 gift card to Starbucks!

If you comment anonymously, just remember to leave your name and a way to contact you!

Choosing to ask for prayer

Immediately I became flushed with emotions that aren't really "normal" for me anymore. Fear. Anxiety. Worry. Fear. And more fear.

It happened last week on my way home from picking Logan up from school when I felt my leg and it was completely numb. The entire mid-thigh region was NUMB! I panicked. "Dang! I have to get home. I have to lay down. Is this a migraine? A stroke? Is this something else, something NEW!?"

In my years of suffering from migraines, I have yet to have one begin with numbness in my leg. Numbness IS a part of the cycle, but never at the beginning, and never hitting in the mid-thigh part of my leg first.

The fear. I cannot afford to have a migraine. For days after the onset of a migraine, I am not well. It takes it out of me, literally. I move slowly and think slowly for several days after one of these monsters hit me. Then there's the fear that it's the start of something worse than a migraine or that it means something is wrong. When I experience the same symptoms I had right before my diagnosis or weird symptoms I've never had before, fear always wants to creep in and torment me with "what ifs" and worry. 

Then coincidentally, two days after this incident, my neurosurgeon’s office called. “It is time to schedule your six-month MRI,” the friendly scheduler explained. Instant fear set on me like a storm cloud. "Really!?" I thought. "I have a terrible episode and then they call? Does this mean something??"

Likely not. But fear creeps in in ways one cannot imagine. His name is the devil. I know this because fear is not from my God. Fear is not a part of the plan. 

  "For the Lord did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and of self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7. "The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1. I repeat these words often. 

Fear is a dark shadow that envelopes us and ultimately captures us, with chains we put on ourselves. All of us have put these chains on at one time or another. Fear of failure, fear of sickness, fear of losing a job or losing someone close to you, or fear of _____ (you fill in the blank). Last night, when I was drowning in a pool of fear and crying myself to sleep because my head was throbbing at the exact point where I had surgery, the Lord comforted me.

Then this morning, in His usual way, the Lord blessed me with a verse during my quiet time. Psalm 105:4-5 “Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always. Remember the wonders He has done, His miracles, and the judgments He pronounced.” Psalm 105 was written by David. The first 15 verses of this Psalm are a celebration. The theme is about God’s mighty deeds in bringing Israel to the promised land. Remembering His miracles encourages us to focus on Him and keep living close to Him. In dramatic fashion, I was able to read the living Word and be encouraged.

My God is a God of miracles. He was then, and He is now. Whom shall I fear? Seriously! I am a miracle. I was told once that I only had 2-6 months to live and now I am here, raising my kids on the earth. I refuse to sit back and allow Satan to impose fear upon fear and lie upon lie on me. I refuse to wear the chains.

I have a choice. I could choose to focus on the "what ifs" of the future, wonder why I've been feeling so crappy lately and stress about the MRI results...or I could focus on the fact that God has been faithful--throughout all of history and certainly in MY life! I choose to remember what He has done, and to continue seeking His face. 

I have another choice. I could choose to creep into my shell and fight the fear alone, or post this and ask for your prayers.
Tomorrow (Wednesday), at 9:30 a.m., I am having an MRI. Would you please lift me up in prayer? That the procedure would go exceedingly well, and that the news would be news to celebrate? Will you pray with me that my current symptoms are related to weather change, stress or exhaustion and that the pain would go away and not be substantiated by tumor growth?

The Lord is my light and salvation. Whom shall I fear? I thank you for your prayers.

Why am I writing a book?

Do you remember back in high school when a really cool song would come out and you instantly fell in love with it? You couldn’t wait to hear it play on the radio. You loved the beat, the lyrics, the way it made you feel. You could listen to it over and over and over and just couldn’t get enough.

And then, as days passed, you became full of the song and your excitement for the lyrics faded as they were replaced with enjoyment for a new, different, better song. This is a cycle of music. A song hits #1 on your personal billboard and within a short time, it’s replaced by another song and begins to move down the charts to an imminent drop-off.

{By the way, here is the Billboard Top 100 Songs of 1996, the year I graduated from highschool}

Well, as I reflect on my story over the past few years (the fear, the sickness, the terminal diagnosis, the miracle, the personal growth, the love the Lord brought to me and the fierce desire to know Him and teach and tell others of what He has done in my life)… I think of you.

I think of some of you who do not know my story and others who know the basics: that I “had a brain tumor” and now I’m well. And then I think of all of you that don’t know the intimate, profound fear that ruled my world for years: that I would not live to raise my kids. Some of you don’t know how the Lord blessed me with a breathtaking experience that would change all of that forever. And I have lived to tell the story, so I am.

This is my book. This is how I’m making sure that what I went through isn’t another “billboard song” in my life, isn't just another passing phase, but is a forever life-changing experience. My story has “God” written all over it. It did then, and it does now. I am writing my story so it does not fade like a song on a top ten hits chart. I don't ever want to forget what God did for me.

What is the song in your life? Are you fighting to keep passion in your marriage? Are you struggling to maintain your health? Is it a battle to enjoy your children with the same passion you had when they were younger? Maybe God brought you through something dramatic, too, but the lessons you learned (that you SWORE you'd never forget) are starting to fade. May I encourage you? There are things in this life worth fighting for. In this ever-changing, always spinning, fast-paced world, stand strong for the things in life that should not fade like a one-hit wonder. Prioritize and FIGHT for the things that really matter.

My faith, my relationship with the Lord, my marriage and my kids are my top priorities in life. What are your top priorities? Are they what they should be? If not, it’s never too late. The God I serve is a God of second chances. I am living proof of that.

Close Call

If today was your last day

And tomorrow was too late

Could you say goodbye to yesterday?

Would you live each moment like your last?

Leave old pictures in the past

Donate every dime you have?

If today was your last day.

{Nickelback, "If Today Was Your Last Day"}

Earlier this week I was driving south on the 101 and I noticed something in the lane next to me. It looked like an over-sized hockey puck, round and black. First I saw it in the roadway and then I saw it as it was picked up by another car's tire and thrown at my car, just like a hockey puck is shot at the goal.

Alarming. Scary. Breath-taking (but not in a good way). Immediately I moved to the slow lane and exited the freeway on the next off-ramp to assess the damage. I also called my super-handy husband and he met me and swapped vehicles just in case the windshield didn’t hold.

"Holy cow! Talk about a close call!" I thought. And then my mind began to wander. Six inches lower, and it would have been at eye level.

I was so lucky. Or was I unlucky?

What are the odds of having an object thrown at your windshield so hard that it smashes it, throwing glass all over the car??

Whether you choose to view things in your life as lucky or unlucky is not really the point. The point is that at any moment, that over-sized hockey puck could be six inches lower and flying at you instead of me on the freeway. Not one person that died on the freeway last week was planning on it. Are you ready for eternity?

My Southern Baptist roots are seeping out in this post, but it has been heavy on my heart to share these thoughts. If today was your last day, do you know for sure where you would spend eternity? If you don’t, it’s not too late. To read the plan of salvation and my own personal testimony, visit my Faith page. And if you have any questions or would like to speak to me directly, please leave a comment with your e-mail address and I will contact you ASAP.

She Wants To Be Just Like Me

Tuesday, my four-going-on-fourteen-year-old daughter, is like most little girls—she wants to be just like me. She wants to get pedicures and spray tans like I do, she puts on her “workout clothes” and wants to run on the treadmill like I do...

...and she wants to dress like me.

Just this weekend, it hit me, though: she actually wants to BE LIKE ME. She is modeling everything I do. How I talk to people on the phone, my driving habits, my attitude toward church, what I spend my money on, my reactions to stressful situations, how I use my time…everything.

As parents, Rex and I do a lot of things right. We brush and floss the kids’ teeth every night, we enforce regular bedtimes, we pray before going to sleep at night, we go on regular family outings, we’re involved at church and we talk about Jesus and what He did on the cross for us nearly every night.

But when I thought about ME, day in and day out, and how I live in front of my kids, I started wondering….do I really want Tuesday to be like me? Am I being the kind of mother to her that I want her to be someday? What kind of role model am I? Am I striving to live my best life for God?

I’m certainly not perfect. There are so many weeds in my life that need a gallon of Round Up. It comes down to attitude and I’ve been struggling with mine as I have been running around like a crazy woman on Black Friday. I’ve been short with those around me, and haven’t taken time out to be still and enjoy Logan and Tuesday like I should. Stress doesn’t always bring out the best in me and my kids see that.

I snagged this line from the movie “Facing the Giants:” “Your attitude is like the aroma of your heart.” And sometimes mine stinks.

That line often resonates in my soul and I become convicted that my inward emotions drive my outward actions. I need to work on both. How am I feeling and how am I reacting to my feelings? How are life situations influencing my attitude? My kids need to know that I am a work in progress, just like they are. I’m going to be praying that God will teach me how to be the best me—and the best mom—that I can be.

Can I encourage you to take stock of what you are teaching your kids through your attitude? I’m sure there are lots of great things you’re teaching them, but next time your inner frustration seeps out and unleashes onto the person on the other end of the phone, remember who may be listening and what they’re learning about how to treat others.

As Tuesday grows up, I want to be proud of who she is becoming and to know that I had a positive influence on her.

What is your attitude teaching your kids, good or bad?

Have you ever....

Been on a fishing trip with 5 kids and 4 adults?? We were outnumbered. 

And it was great.

Time was slower, or so it seemed, as fishing was our only task at hand. Things were slow enough, in fact, to take note of some things ….

that our kids are only small for a time

and that one day they probably won’t desire us to be their camping companions anymore.

BUT for this weekend,

they were small,

and wanted to be with us more than anyone in life,

and couldn’t reach the pedals to drive themselves to the E.R. for stitches 5 minutes after arriving at the camp-site (it really happened!)

I’m trying to ruthlessly eliminate hurry from my life so I can enjoy my children
while they are where they are.

How can you be still and enjoy your kids this weekend?