Choosing to ask for prayer

Immediately I became flushed with emotions that aren't really "normal" for me anymore. Fear. Anxiety. Worry. Fear. And more fear.

It happened last week on my way home from picking Logan up from school when I felt my leg and it was completely numb. The entire mid-thigh region was NUMB! I panicked. "Dang! I have to get home. I have to lay down. Is this a migraine? A stroke? Is this something else, something NEW!?"

In my years of suffering from migraines, I have yet to have one begin with numbness in my leg. Numbness IS a part of the cycle, but never at the beginning, and never hitting in the mid-thigh part of my leg first.

The fear. I cannot afford to have a migraine. For days after the onset of a migraine, I am not well. It takes it out of me, literally. I move slowly and think slowly for several days after one of these monsters hit me. Then there's the fear that it's the start of something worse than a migraine or that it means something is wrong. When I experience the same symptoms I had right before my diagnosis or weird symptoms I've never had before, fear always wants to creep in and torment me with "what ifs" and worry. 

Then coincidentally, two days after this incident, my neurosurgeon’s office called. “It is time to schedule your six-month MRI,” the friendly scheduler explained. Instant fear set on me like a storm cloud. "Really!?" I thought. "I have a terrible episode and then they call? Does this mean something??"

Likely not. But fear creeps in in ways one cannot imagine. His name is the devil. I know this because fear is not from my God. Fear is not a part of the plan. 

  "For the Lord did not give us a spirit of timidity, but a spirit of power, love and of self-discipline.” 2 Timothy 1:7. "The Lord is my light and my salvation; whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life; of whom shall I be afraid?" Psalm 27:1. I repeat these words often. 

Fear is a dark shadow that envelopes us and ultimately captures us, with chains we put on ourselves. All of us have put these chains on at one time or another. Fear of failure, fear of sickness, fear of losing a job or losing someone close to you, or fear of _____ (you fill in the blank). Last night, when I was drowning in a pool of fear and crying myself to sleep because my head was throbbing at the exact point where I had surgery, the Lord comforted me.

Then this morning, in His usual way, the Lord blessed me with a verse during my quiet time. Psalm 105:4-5 “Look to the Lord and His strength; seek His face always. Remember the wonders He has done, His miracles, and the judgments He pronounced.” Psalm 105 was written by David. The first 15 verses of this Psalm are a celebration. The theme is about God’s mighty deeds in bringing Israel to the promised land. Remembering His miracles encourages us to focus on Him and keep living close to Him. In dramatic fashion, I was able to read the living Word and be encouraged.

My God is a God of miracles. He was then, and He is now. Whom shall I fear? Seriously! I am a miracle. I was told once that I only had 2-6 months to live and now I am here, raising my kids on the earth. I refuse to sit back and allow Satan to impose fear upon fear and lie upon lie on me. I refuse to wear the chains.

I have a choice. I could choose to focus on the "what ifs" of the future, wonder why I've been feeling so crappy lately and stress about the MRI results...or I could focus on the fact that God has been faithful--throughout all of history and certainly in MY life! I choose to remember what He has done, and to continue seeking His face. 

I have another choice. I could choose to creep into my shell and fight the fear alone, or post this and ask for your prayers.
Tomorrow (Wednesday), at 9:30 a.m., I am having an MRI. Would you please lift me up in prayer? That the procedure would go exceedingly well, and that the news would be news to celebrate? Will you pray with me that my current symptoms are related to weather change, stress or exhaustion and that the pain would go away and not be substantiated by tumor growth?

The Lord is my light and salvation. Whom shall I fear? I thank you for your prayers.