Update

Few times in my life have I felt as though I were in the true presence of greatness: extreme excellence you can see and hear in every word. Dr. Youssef is one of those people.

He is caring, communicative and brilliant. And he is heading up the plan moving forward for my treatment.

I knew I wasn’t getting the news I’d been hoping for when the nurse lightly knocked on our door and introduced herself with a video in hand that the Dr. requested Rex and I watch. He had reviewed my MRI’s from the past three years and before he met with us, he requested we watch the “Cyberknife” video. My stomach churned as we viewed the short video. I’m not certain I comprehended all that was said as my body went into some sort of shock, but there was detailed footage of a patient undergoing the procedure, so I got the drift.

As it turns out, Cyberknife is the best option for my case. I could feel the disappointment in Dr. Youssef’s voice. He was concerned that I had not been referred to him for radiation sooner. He explained that we have limited time to radiate the tumor without radiating the optic nerve. He explained that the sooner we treat, the better. I have now been referred to a neuro-opthamalogist and a second neurosurgeon, have a scrip for an MRI and have plans for a mask to be molded to my face for the procedure. Can you say…overload??

Dr Y would like all of this to take place in the next few weeks so we can begin the 3-5 day Cyberknife procedure. The procedure will be 30-60 minutes a day, for 3-5 days. These variables will not be decided upon until the detailed MRI is read. There are risks of headache, lethargy and a small increased risk of cancer, which are all acceptable risks to take in order to avoid another brain surgery.

I am so blessed to be not only in the care of the one great physician, God, but also an entire team of incredible physicians. This is a non-invasive procedure. I should tolerate it fine. I am thankful that a benign tumor is my problem and not something worse.

While I am mostly calm and good to go, the strong waves of unsettledness arise with no warning or respect for where I am or what I am doing. My poor Starbucks barista! I instantly fall away from positive and logical reasoning and into pity-party mode, accompanied by tears. “This cannot be happening! I want this to be over! Why can’t this end? What if they nick the wrong area in my brain?” I could go on and on.

Psalm 27:1 “The Lord is my light and my salvation. Whom shall I fear? The Lord is the stronghold of my life, of whom shall I be afraid?”

Fear is a dark cloud in our lives. It envelopes us and cages our soul to sit in loneliness. We have all experienced fear at some time in our lives- fear of rejection, misunderstanding, uncertainty, sickness, possibly even death. We can conquer fear. If we choose to rely on the Lord, we can dispel the strongholds of fear. We have to focus on the “Lord being our light and salvation,” just as the Psalmist says.

Will you pray for me? Pray for my anxiety and fear to be absent and for the doctors involved in my case to be flawless in their work. Also pray that I would tolerate the treatment well, and that the long-term results would be the tumor shrinking or (at minimum) no additional growth. I appreciate all of your encouragement, support, friendships and especially your prayers, more than you will ever know.